Who Cares for the Caregivers?

More help should be given to them, say experts according to the Straits Times article.

Caregiving is not a walk in the park. However, it’s so enriching.

I was a full-time caregiver to my late dad, who had terminal cancer a few years ago. I decided to resign and be a full-time caregiver after losing my mother after a week in the ICU. I don’t want to lose the last chance to spend time with my dad.

I learned how to cook and researched nutritious recipes in order to extend my dad’s life as long as possible. However, I noticed that my dad was losing weight over time. I was grieving that my dad was losing weight, though I cooked nutritious food for him. I feared that he would pass on like my mother.

I would also accompany him to the hospital’s visit to learn more about the progression of his cancer. During that period, I chose not to weep in front of my dad when I was grieving for my late mother (as he had a heart condition).

Numerous studies have shown that ignoring negative emotions can have adverse effects on mental health as well as physical health.

I view all emotions like a flower. It would “bloom,” and then it would wither away.They are like a boat that is ‘flowing’ through me. Face the uncomfortable feelings, and they will go away.They are neither right nor wrong. They are immoral. Suppression would result in them bouncing back ferociously.

I knew that I had to find an outlet for expressing my grief and other heavy feelings. Initially,

I ran away from grief as it’s an alien feeling(That’s a story for another day) I like journaling, as it’s simple to execute with just a notebook and a pen or mobile app, especially for a caregiver who has many tasks to do, like reminding my dad to take his medicine, planning the menu, going to the supermarket, preparing the food, assisting him to shower and accompanying him to hospital visits, chatting with him, housekeeping, updating family members on his health condition, etc.

Journaling doesn't need to follow any structure. It's a private place for creative expression with no judgment. I am mindful of naming the emotions and recognizing the physiological sensations in my body.

Going out of the house to breathe once in a while and weeping whenever I missed my late mum helped to clear my mind and regulate my emotions.

I could see that my dad’s leg muscles were getting weaker, and I tried to motivate him to exercise, but it failed. I was frustrated that I couldn’t motivate him and sad that eventually he had to use a wheelchair for hospital visits. There was a period where my dad was frequently in and out of the hospital, and I was scared to sleep for fear that he may pass away suddenly like my mom. That anxiety consumed me at one point, and I collapsed in bed out of exhaustion.

I had to intentionally step back and tell myself, "Just take a step at a time and do my best." I can’t control the outcome. Rest is important for me to recharge as a caregiver to continue the journey with him.

My grieving started before my dad eventually passed away. I grieved that he had deteriorated from a strong dad with 6-packs in his youth to a fragile elderly man. 2 days before he passed away, I knew in my spirit that he didn’t have much time. Towards his last days, I would play soothing music at his hospital bedside and place my hand on his hands/chest. He did not open his eyes nor speak much, but I could tell from his body gestures that he felt comforted by my gesture.

There were happy moments besides the heavy feelings. I found that searching for interesting and healthy recipes to cook daily at the start of the caregiving journey was harder than customizing a strategy to resolve a high-stakes dispute in my last job. I also wanted to reduce food wastage and make a palatable meal by thinking of innovative ways to cook the leftover ingredients. I had a newfound respect for homemakers.

I was very happy that My dad praised me for my cooking. It’s not easy, given that it’s my first stint at being a domestic goddess. I posted my cooking journey online and had encouragement and affirmation from friends. Looking back, I’m proud of myself.

As with all challenges in my life (personal or professional), I focus on the destination I wanted to reach; in that case, it was to accompany my dad on the last part of his life and f ind all possible ways to achieve it.

I need to exercise self-care regularly despite having caregiver’s guilt.

As I embarked on learning what it entails to be a new caregiver, I gained confidence over time. I also seek help from my aunt whenever I am unsure how to cook certain healthy soups/recipes for my dad.

Takeaways for Caregivers

Self-care isn't selfish; it's a necessity to walk the journey with your loved ones. Listen to your body.

It’s okay to seek support, whether emotional or financial. You might explore Money Mindset Coaching to ease financial stress, or Emotional Wellness Coaching to find emotional balance

Navigating your emotional landscape through journaling brings clarity and mental wellness.

References https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/who-cares-for-the-caregivers-more-help should-be-given-to-them-say-experts

https://m1psychology.com/why-you-shouldnt-suppress-your-emotions/ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID= 4552 https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-be-more-self-aware-and-why-its important#tips